Procrastination

As I sit in silence wondering about my life.  I start trembling with fear and it moves throughout my mind, body, and spirit.  A fear that’s suddle and sneaky.  A fear that wants me to stay forever in her spell.  A fear that will never let me go, and never let me live up to my full potential.  If I could name this fear, it would be called Kim.  Kim came into my life at five years old.  She robbed me of my innocence, and stole my soul.  Exposed to early molestation was a situation that keep my purpose in a choke-hold.  When Kim let me see, touch, and experience something so strange and foreign at the time, it messed my mind up.  I felt trapped in a world of sexual thoughts, desires, and fantasies that spoke to me relentessly throughout my lonely days and nights.  Painful thoughts and memories are carried around like mail for everyone to see and sometimes tell.  I didn’t yell, scream, or tell.  I kept my emotions Inn like Best Western.  I became an invisible kid with a perverted imagination yearning for sensations from women, who I never wanted to physically touch.  My view of women became an obssession from a far.  Self-confidence something out of reach not much belief in the power of my own star.  As I grew older the fear stay attached to me like a tail.  It revealed itself in uglier ways and difficult days.  It turned into people pleasing behavior.  I couldn’t say no to anyone.  It kept me away from being alive and present in all my relationships.  Sweaty palms around females from the age of sixteen.  It seemed that I loved and respected women on the surface.  However, it was all a lie that I lived to the fullest.  I despised all women, and I wanted them to feel all the confusion, delusion, and pain inside my world.  My world improved with years of writing, and creative conversations.  I’ve been exploring and searching self with years of observation.  Life is an amazing vibration.  I’ve made many mistakes with lots of women in my life.  Mistakes that almost cost me to lose my beautiful wife.  Our love is evolving, twisting, and turning, it’s moves me to places unseen.  I’m responsibile for my love and the creation of boundaries.  I realized today that I’m still afraid.  Afraid of the POWER that’s ready to be released through me.  I procrastinate while the world waits.  So now it’s safe to say that I’m available for all the creativity, love, beauty, and sweet harmony to express itself as my life.